May 30

Feeling a little lonely today...

I heard Jillian briefly this morning, but she must've left early to go to the library with Lina. Without much to do today, I decided to relax, watch movies, whatever. But I couldn't access many movies, so instead I decided to do some preliminary research for a paper I have to write in the next month, before I go on the Italy class trip. I wasn't going to even start thinking about it until after this semester was finished, in a week, but oh well. I made an outline and spent a couple hours searching for journal articles on the topic of environmental challenges in Venice. After that, I was feeling a little neglected by my boyfriend, because he's been pretty busy all weekend, and probably because I'm going a little stir-crazy. I haven't uttered a word today, haven't even seen anyone. Jillian is gone most days, working in the library with Lina, so I don't get to see her much anymore. Both of them will leave in less than a week to go home. I wish I were going home. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the next 20 days here alone. I'm going to go nuts.

When Jillian came home, she dropped some news on me. Because she would be doing an internship and her thesis next semester, she wouldn't be in Brisbane very much of the time. So, I probably should've put two and two together and seen this coming - she's moving out for the 2nd semester. Ahhh. I was shocked at first, maybe because I felt like it was sudden, but as I said, I should've guessed. Anyway, I was a little angry, not just at her but at the fact that I moved here with 2 girls and I thought we would be together the whole year and a half, now I feel like the only sucker left, the one that got ditched. It's so strange how the first semester was perfect... Then 2nd semester everything was difficult in terms of housing. Floods, mold, Lina at her boyfriends, then Lina moved out and the fallout from that, and now Jillian is leaving. Which leaves me here next semester all alone. Although I doubt Michael will work out any kind of deal for just me to live here (plus I don't want to live here anyway), so that means either finding a roommate or finding a new place. Nothing sounded like a good option. Of course I was frustrated for a while, with the why me, why is life so difficult, when's the next shoe going to drop, etc. And I was panicking about options.

Since I was especially homesick, this made me moreso. I don't want to be here if no one else is (I cringe saying that; I've never been one to follow what my friends are doing). Anyway, since I have a thesis and one class next semester (the thesis is mostly independent study, no lectures), I immediately thought, why can't I go home too?! So, I started exploring my options for online, alternative classes. I couldn't find much on the course website, so I shot an email to the academic advisor requesting information about that. Then, feeling very stressed, so stressed that my throat and jaw felt tense, I went to sleep.